Sunday Afternoon Thoughts
I ran again this morning, a third test run to see if running with Minnie Mouse and AC/DC would bring me back to my running habit, the one that I had sworn off after receiving Julia's news way back in July. As I set off in the light drizzle that quickly turned into a light rain, I saw way far off in the grey skies, a black vee of geese heading north. It was a big flock, the biggest yet of the season and they seemed intent upon their destination.
Langley's Creek would've spilled its banks after the torrential downpours we had overnight (nearly 3 inches in the rain gauge this morning), leaving giant puddles along the path that borders the stream, so I ran along the neighborhood streets, looking at the Halloween decorations in the yard. I didn't mind that so much, just grateful to know her little creek would be happy once again after such a dry few weeks.
I stopped when my Apple Watch chimed three miles, wanting to do one more but hearing David's voice in my head telling me to not push myself. So I stopped, walking the final mile back home, happy that my knees held up and feeling like the Runner Girl that David first called me after I ran as Mrs. Austin for the first time.
And then the questions and thoughts began rolling through my head and continued as I baked chocolate chip cookies, Cinnamon Flop Cake and a pumpkin pie all afternoon.
I wrestle with these questions on a daily basis, it seems. I'm not one to soul search, especially here on the blog, but I'm finding that this blog is beginning to take on a life of its own. When I began this particular one, I used it to chronicle my 365 project, dutifully posting my daily picture in the evening before supper. I then began a second blog, a more generic, "hey, this is what's been going on in my life lately". I kept that up for a couple years until I began to grow tired of my own artificiality and put that blog aside, focusing on this one instead. Still, I used this one primarily as a place to post my daily photo, but then I began adding words and turned on the comments. The words grew less oblique and more direct. The phrases and sentences began telling stories and deeper thoughts. There are still things I will never share on here, but I feel as though I'm beginning to open up more. And now this blog has become so much more than a 365 project. It's a practice that I do every day now, an escape and a reward after a long day.
But back to the questions that I wonder about while living my life.
I have a hard time allowing myself to be proud of what I've accomplished. I have a hard time calling myself "photographer" because then that's supposed to mean that I'm good at what I do. Maybe that's why I have a hard time staying with Instagram or other photo sharing sites: I feel as though I'm not anywhere as good as those that post their work there, I'm not anywhere as insightful as the words those other photographers include with their images. I then try and remind myself that others put up only their best work; we never get to see all the bad stuff they photograph, never get to read about the really shitty days they have (well, maybe some are brave enough to write about those days, but it's those writers I try to avoid). Everyone, for the most part, posts only what they want me to see or read.
Everywhere I read, I read "Share your images!", but what if I'm too shy? In all other aspects of my life, I know what to do (for the most part). If I feel as though I'm gaining weight, I go back to what I learned during my Weight Watcher days. If the house needs freshening up, I call painters. If the dog needs to go to the vet, I call her vet and set up an appointment. My life is pretty much black and white, so why does it become a grey area when it comes to photography? Why does it seem as though I'm swimming through a veil of fog?
The blinking cursor on the screen offers no answers or quick fixes, it just sits there blinking on and off.