Day 89

{Nikon D5, ISO 12800, 24-70mm @ 48mm, f/2.8, 1/60 sec.}

Reading other blogs, other people's words and hearing the heartache and despair coupled with their hopefulness and gratitude towards Life leads to self-doubt tickling its way deep inside of me. Should I be writing about and seeking gratitude towards simple joys in my every day, instead of writing about my mundane days? Should I be battling with Sorrow and Guilt and Self-Blame that are still locked deep inside of me, letting Them out of their jail cells where They are locked and letting Them onto the screen for the whole world to see? I do seek out the happy moments, the teeny, tiny happy moments, that make up my days: Langley's thumping tail as she drowses in the morning sun in Joe's room,  the person who waves me into traffic, the little "how's your day going?" texts I get from David and Mop, Joe's soldierly stride as he comes across the parking lot in the afternoons, one ear bud in, the other trailing across his shoulder. I say "Thank you for the day today" every night after I turn off my light and let my book slide to the bedroom floor.  I look for those hidden seconds and I am grateful, but  . . . I keep those moments to myself. I hold onto them with all my might for they counter attack Sorrow and Guilt and Self-Blame and drive them back into the deepest, darkest corners of their prison cells. 

I've learned to live with Sorrow and Guilt, Self-Blame, too. It's how I finally made peace with what happened. It was only after acceptance that I truly felt healed and was born a new person, a new whole person. I don't write about it because I feel that battle was more than personal, so much bigger than me. I was in a deep dark pit filled with self-hatred and anger and every horrible emotion imaginable. The pit was built with the smoothest, silkiest walls and I was perfectly willing - - - I actually wanted  - - -  to stay right where I was for the rest of my life, but every now and then I'd catch a glimpse of blue skies and big summer time puffy clouds blowing across the top of the hole I was in, and reluctantly I began my journey out of my comforting anger and sorrow and guilt. And once I did, once I was again standing in green fields barefoot and felt that friendly sun on me, I swore that I would never again re-visit that pit. I buried it, filled it up deep with Life and laughter and living and I have never looked back. But I had to accept that those three ugly beings would always be a part of me because without them I don't think I would've learned to understand fully Life and how I need to honor the Gift that He gave me. He gave me a second chance, a do-over. He opened my eyes to what joy and happiness and daily living really are. 

That's why I don't write about my struggles or list my gratitudes or battle my emotions out loud. That's why I don't write about the ugly cries I allow myself to have every now and then. The healing will never be done, all I can do is continue to say "Thank you for the day today" and close my eyes and sleep to wake to another day and fill it with as much happiness as I can. It's my way of saying "thank you".