I knew I couldn’t stay away for long. I’ve had words building up inside of me for the last few weeks and I need to let them out. I’m writing for myself only, no false fronts, no hiding behind cliched posts, just honest and true words.
I feel as though I lose a little control whenever I don’t write, a small part of me just feels off. Stringing letters into words into sentences into paragraphs into a post, a letter, a story is comforting and routine and structured, something that has been hard for me to achieve this year. With this being Joe’s gap year, David finishing up his first novel and taking a week off every month to put on the final touches, my daily routine has been horribly off kilter. Don’t get me wrong, it’s been an incredible year with my photography hobby slowly growing into a photography business and, as I mentioned above, David’s first book about to go public. The family has been healthy and happy, the kids each having found love and “really, really like” ‘s. My confidence has grown by leaps and bounds and outwardly, I appear calm, cool and collected, but inside I feel as though I could lose it at any given moment. A small storm seems to always be brewing inside me just beneath the surface. I pace around the house like a caged animal, feeling chaotic and frantic and so out of control. Running helps, walking the dog does, too. But it’s writing everything out that helps the most.
I don’t really like writing at a computer, I prefer writing long hand, something that David laughs about and, I’m afraid, is slowly going the way of the Dodo. That blinking cursor mocks me and my spelling goes all to hell, making me backspace and delete every other word, it seems. I’ve never been that great a typer to begin with, so when I’m having to delete all the time, it kinda makes it harder to free think and to free write, and then auto correct chimes in with suggestions which don’t make any sense, so it’s all rather frustrating.
But when the words flow freely from my mind and out through my finger tips, that’s when peace and calmness settle upon me like a light blanket. And the storm inside begins to subside.